Fertility Associates of Memphis

CLICK HERE TO VISIT OUR ARTICLE ARCHIVE

Coping with Infertility: Preparing for the Holidays

Nancy Adler, Ph.D.

Dr. Nancy Adler is a Ph.D. licensed psychologist in private practice in Memphis, TN. She is a member of both the American Psychological Association and the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. Her professional interests focus on issues in women’s health including fertility, post-partum adjustment, behavior change, relationships, grief and chronic illness. She is particularly interested in helping women maintain their mental health through preventive care. Dr. Adler leads Life Skills – an eight week, educational support group designed to teach coping and relaxational skills to individuals. It is specifically tailored toward women suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss. More informational about Life Skills or individual counseling can be obtained by phoning (901) 682- 7388.

The holidays present special challenges for couples dealing with issues of fertility. For some, it is the recognition that another year has passed without their goals for their family having been met. For others, it is the stress of facing well-meaning friends and family members who ask overly personal questions or who make pointed remarks. Additionally, memories of holidays past present a high standard that current holidays rarely live up too. In all of these situations, the best offense is often a good defense and the time to get started preparing your defense is now. The more prepared you are for these situations, the more likely you are of handling them to your satisfaction, and the more likely you will enjoy the season, your family, and friends.

A good defense can mean different things in different situations. In this case I am not talking about being “defensive”, but rather prepared. And basically that boils down to:

1. nurturing or in other words, taking better care of yourself,
2. having realistic goals and expectations,
3. thinking about what you can do instead of what you are missing,
4. letting others know what you need, and
5. recognizing and honoring how you really feel.

The idea of taking care of yourself is often misunderstood. In truth, we all have limited reserves of physical and emotional strength. By replenishing these reserves we not only take care of ourselves, but we can be more available to those we love. Everyone has different ways of replenishing themselves; some of the most often used are exercise, stable sleep patterns and social support. In times of higher stress, you may need to add relaxation exercises, meditation, or your own personal favorite (i.e., cooking, camping, music). The more you maintain your emotional balance the less reactive you will be to stressful people or situations.

Which leads right into having realistic expectations. It may not be realistic to expect that you will enjoy a family gathering that is focused on your cousin’s new twins or your niece’s pregnant belly. In these situations it is fair to find a polite way to excuse yourself from the gathering or activity. It may be better to excuse yourself due to a headache or vague “fatigue”, rather then cause yourself the emotional stress and resentment that participation might bring. If the event is unavoidable, you still have options. One option is to decrease the amount of time you spend at an event (“I am so sorry we have another gathering we need to attend”). Another possibility is to have a family member or spouse act as a buffer to change the subject if you get caught off guard or to catch any babies that may be thrown your way. The bottom line is that it is not possible to be happy or even comfortable all the time, but you want to increase the probability that your needs will be met the majority of the time.

Opting out of these events (or decreasing time at them), may provide the perfect opportunity for the two of you, as a couple, to develop some new family traditions or activities. Some ideas might include going on a holiday light tour on Christmas Eve, having a champagne brunch on Christmas morning, taking a romantic trip, or doing volunteer work. Notice that some of these activities would be unlikely, if not impossible if you were pregnant. That is not to say that they will make up for the feelings of disappointment and loss that you may be experiencing, but they will help you to enjoy your current life more. Remember your life is what is happening now. You don’t expect to always be living childfree. If there are places you have always wanted to go or things that the two of you have always wanted to do as a couple, now is the time to do them. Who knows what next year will bring?

All of this is not meant to encourage you to keep your discomfort a secret from family and friends. Quite the contrary, the more you can explain to close support systems how you are feeling and what you need, the more successful you will be in navigating these situations. That does not mean being ugly (even if that is what you are feeling). It means its OK to politely say that you don’t want to hold someone else’s baby or to tell your best friend that you can’t bear to attend another one year olds birthday party. When you confide in close friends about how you are feeling and how they can help you, you are educating them, helping them to feel close to you, and letting them feel good about themselves. Most people want to help people that they care about. Ultimately, you are enriching both of your lives.

Finally, its important that you recognize you don’t have to be everything for everyone. Sometimes the person you most need to take care of is yourself. Yes, your Grandmother might miss you at the family gathering but she will love having time alone with you the next day. You need to be honest with yourself and your spouse about what you can handle and give yourself permission to opt out of some things (and into others!).

We have covered quite a few ideas about how to prepare. Ultimately they boil down to taking better care of yourself, recognizing this situation is temporary, and improving communication with those you love. Remember that you have the ability to make this holiday season a special one. It just may not be special in the ways you had previously expected. The possibilities are endless!

October 1, 2004